Thursday, September 13, 2007

Gettin' personal with y'all

OK, DH and I are just not connecting. We had a rough patch there for awhile (financial issues, DH had some minor health issues and baby/lack of sleep issues). We basically co-existed.

Things are getting better and we are enjoying each other's company more now, but... well, there is still one MAJOR problem in the bedroom. I'm not exaggerating in saying we haven't connected there in six months - SIX MONTHS!!!

And... I think the biggest issue is that he's uncomfortable with me weight. I don't like it either, but I've been this size MOST of our marriage - was heavier when we conceived Henry, as a matter of fact. But, for some reason, I can tell it's the "unspeakable" reason. He doesn't want to voice it, but I can "see it" in his eyes when he looks at me, you know? And it makes me feel horrible. He's not being mean about it, but he's not attracted to me, and well, I wouldn't be attracted to me either.

I am trying to get better about it and I did lose a little weight so far and I'm gearing up to starting an exercise program now that I think we are discovering a way for Henry to sleep. Problem is: Henry doesn't sleep. I don't sleep... to get a boost of energy, I eat... more and more research is suggesting that lack of sleep is VERY much related to weight gain and I agree COMPLETELY and since I feel like a slug, I don't want to exercise and exercise has ALWAYS been key for me. I actually eat quite well, but if I don't add exercise with it? I gain weight - simple as that.

Problem is, 98% of all people who lose weight, gain it back and I've done that SEVERAL times. So, I'm scared quite honestly. I'm also a bit resentful. I give an AWFUL lot to the family and I feel I'm being punished... yet I know he feels he's being punished (we had this conversation once before). Part of me wants to say ONCE I lose the weight, "Sorry, you didn't want me when I was heavy, you can't have me now." I know I won't feel that way when it actually comes down to it, but it's how I feel now a little inside.

I find myself crying about it quite a bit to myself. I wish weight loss and weight loss maintenance was EASY and I pretty much refuse to go under the knife. DH wouldn't allow it anyway. It's all about discipline. He comes from a thin family and for him, taking off a few pounds is easy and keeping it off is too, so why can't I do it? Why??? because I'm my own worst enemy is why - and I know it.

Anyone have some words of encouragement? I will be cross posting this.

No comments: